Just because everyone else is....

On being a foreigner....

2008-09-26T17:16:00.003-05:00

When you live in another country, life can just be hard. There have been so many amazing things that have happened since I moved to Mexico City - moments where I can't even believe the favor that God has given me in situations, but to be honest, there have also been a lot of things that have just really stunk.

It took six weeks to get into an apartment...including drama like losing a $600 deposit, getting cussed out by a slightly imbalanced landlord, having a panic attack in Costco and packing up every day for 5 days in a row thinking "today will be the day"!

One of the hardest things for me has been the loss of my independence. For a while, I couldn't do anything simple like buy a cell phone because I didn't have my FM3 visa - add to that, my lack of language - well, I feel like I always have to ask some one how to do something or to please go with me to do it. I hate that. I hate feeling like I can't "do" my job well, I hate feeling crippled and asking for help. I often feel like I've just lost my competence.

We have a major event coming our way next week. Since it takes two weeks to get internet set up when you move, we've had no email in our house. A week ago, my blackberry decided to stop getting emails. For almost a week with this major event coming my way, I've had to try to stand in the corner with my computer half out the window to "borrow" internet from a neighbor....go to Starbucks or if I need to use a US phone, try to make my way to some ones house to hope it works. It's felt very crippling. Today, my phone stopped working and we were waiting for the guy to finally hook up our internet. I felt so helpless and useless in the whole process.

Then finally, there's the relational aspect. In some ways relationships have been really fun here - more than I ever imagined. In other ways they've been painful and disappointing. I miss friends back home. I miss having a life outside my job and a church that I look forward to going to on Sundays. I miss my good friends and sometimes wonder if they've forgotten me....or if they will forget me.

So, today as I was trying to explain to the lady at the copy(in my terrible Spanish) that I wanted 15 copies, not one, I just finally admitted - living as a foreigner can be really hard. You give up your rights. You can complain all day long but it really doesn't change the fact that you still don't belong here....that ultimately you're just a visitor. I think in the US, we just get so used to getting what we want, when we want it. Life works out pretty well, even painful and hard things. Here, somehow it's different. It's not easy to be a foreigner. It's not easy to give up your rights. We keep joking by saying "we've got to get a break from this" but the reality is, we don't....I'm a visitor.

Throughout this process, I'm realizing how much I try to hold on to my rights, how much I try to manipulate my relationships for my good and how much I hold on to equating God's goodness with his blessings.

It's not easy - there are days that I'm really angry with God - that I really wonder if he's there, if he's good, if he's for me.

But other days, I feel like truth is seeping into the deepest parts of my life - that I will never be the same.

I guess it's all just another step on the journey.....

Wrong Turn

2008-09-26T16:59:00.003-05:00

Last night I as I was coming back from Puebla with Craig and Joe, I was trying to get a little sleep after a crazy week. Getting a little sleep in the back set of a car with two guys is not the easiest thing - first, it's cold enough to open an ice cream stand in the car and second, they tend to like to play speed racer so you bounce around all over the place. I finally had dozed off to wake up in Mexico City not too far from my house. We had to turn around on a major street and as we turned the corner, I saw them - 2 prostitutes standing on the corner.

Now, I'm not a sheltered or naive person by nature, but I had never experienced the emotions that I did in that moment. As the our headlights revealed their faces, they looked so young. The deep sadness of their lives hit me. These are young women - daughters, sisters (and many probably mothers) with hopes and dreams. They were little girls who dressed up as princesses and dreamed of their knight in shinning armor coming on a white horse to sweep them away in a cloud of romance. They played with dolls and braided their hair. But there they stood on the street corners in Mexico City.....selling their bodies to earn a living.

I think it's easy for us to think of prostitutes as dirty or as those who don't deserve a better life. Maybe I've thought that before. I don't think I'll soon forget those young faces dressed up seductively to entice men. I think of Jesus....of how he ate with those women - how he gave them dignity - how he gave his life for them.

My life has been focused on the things that make me happy or comfortable lately. I've been angry that some of my dreams haven't worked out the way I hoped. As I climbed into my safe and warm bed last night, I couldn't help but remember how blessed my life really has been. I hope that some day these girls can lay their heads down experiencing the same rest.

Laurel Street

2008-05-18T07:15:00.002-05:00

Today is my last day in New Orleans. My moving truck is parked outside my house, boxes surround me, I'm ready to pack up and leave. I took one last early morning stroll down Laurel Street to my favorite coffee shop this morning. It's early Sunday morning and Laurel street is still sleeping.

I have loved living on Laurel Street....I've walked down to Whole Foods to grab some dinner or the CC's on Magazine for a quick cup of coffee more time that I can count in the last two years I love the houses on Laurel Street - it's New Orleans architecture displayed in all it's splendor - from little shotgun houses to doubles with the detailed lattices....everything is unique and colorful.

As I was walking down Magazine Street back to my house, I remembered that day almost two years ago when I was exploring New Orleans. I remember driving past the Whole Foods on Magazine and then into Audubon park and I thought "I'd love to live here" but my logical mind quickly dismissed it, there's no way I could ever afford it. I never even lifted that to heaven as a prayer. Three months later I moved into my little house on Laurel Street - 3 blocks from Audubon Park, and 3 blocks from Magazine Street. It's exactly the area I dreamed of living in.

Now I'm packing up again and I confess, I'm struggling. I'm struggling to believe that God will be this good to me again. I'm struggling to leave everything and go to a new place - a place that is completely different. I don't want to follow the call, I want to stay behind...to stay where it's safe. And as I turned the corner to walk back to my little house, I was struck with the thought - this may be the greatest step of faith I've ever taken and I've got to believe that the same God who provided extravagantly here in New Orleans will do the same in Mexico City. I've got to walk this path with that God, not the God of my own design.

So, I'm saying goodbye to Laurel Street, to CC's coffee, to walks by the river and lazy afternoons in Audubon Park....to friends and to a job that I'm pretty competent in doing. I'm saying goodbye to all of that today. It will be a sad day. There will be many tears. But there's a new path to take and I don't know what it's going to look like but I do know the one who is leading me down the path.

Spring and Sadness

2008-04-03T19:51:00.004-05:00

I love spring! The last few days have brought many rain showers to New Orleans so as I went out for an evening walk everything was in bloom and vividly colorful and fragrant. I think I enjoy this season so much because of the newness of life. It seems like just a few weeks ago the trees were scraggly and the park was barely occupied in the evening. Now it's teaming with people - walking, running, biking and playing games. Your mouth waters at the smell of a grill being fired up and all around you the laughter of children can be heard. Life and celebration are everywhere.

This spring is different though - there is great loss in the midst of the promise of spring. A week ago a sweet friend from my church finally lost the battle after fighting to recover from a tragic car accident a little over a month ago. Our little body is torn up with grief. Everyone feels the loss - we all feel as if we lost a member of our family.

Not only that, we said goodbye to dear friends this week. As they drove out of town they took a piece of us with them.

And I begin to think about my own departure, less than two months away.

I'm ready for the day when there will be no loss, no goodbyes....when newness and life will be around us all the time. I used to not long for heaven. I thought it would be boring - singing hallelujahs for eternity with a bunch of angels that look like very large babies. Now I understand that heaven is about newness. Everything that is good - everything that we love here will be made new: every sweet moment in a relationship, every tender word from a friend, every first taste of ice cream and cool breeze that brings the fragrance of fresh honeysuckle with it....all of those things will be perfect and surround us forever. But the most important part of heaven that is that there will be no loss, there will be no pain or disappointment. Relationship with God will be complete - relationships with each other will finally be whole - will finally be all they were meant to be.

So, it's a season of welcoming the freshness of spring, but also a season of sadness and longing for me. I'm so thankful for the glimpse of heaven around me every day!

The Next Step on the Journey

2008-03-22T11:16:00.003-05:00

For almost a year I've known something wasn't quiet right in my job. I really believe in our mission - I believe in reaching college students....none of that has changed but after being in my job for almost five years I've realized that much of what I do isn't a good fit for me. I like to start things not grow things. I like to work on projects that move the mission forward and I like to be a part of taking a big vision and putting into action. Some one told me a few months ago that I'd probably make a good CEO.

Not long after the CEO conversation, Joe Cross offered me a job working with the Mexico Focus. I'll be honest, Mexico? Leave my beloved New Orleans for Mexico? It's not exotic, it's a place that I ever thought I would be. I even remember Craig Johring telling me that he was moving to Mexico a few years ago - I thought "good for him but there's NO WAY I'd ever do that".

As it turns out, I really need to stop having these "there's NO WAY converations" with myself. After taking the season of Lent to really seek the Lord and pray, I've accepted the job with Enfoque Mexico. I'll be serving on the leadership team working with the major events next year and doing a handful of other things. It's a totally different path than I ever thought I would walk down....but when it comes down to it I'm tremendously excited about the job - about the opportunity to work alongside men who are so full of faith and believing God to transform the world's second largest city. I'm excited to try some of these gifts that I'm discovering and walk a totally different path. I'm excited to see how the Lord will provide as I walk this path.

I move into this job with great excitement but also will leave with much mourning. New Orleans has changed my entire life. I understand the gospel in ways that I never before understood it. I understand what it means to move toward the pain.....to live in the mess. I understand that life is full of brokenness and celebration....that we are called to live in the tension. New Orleans became a part of me and it is with great sadness that I will leave. It's not just the city - it's the friendships and the community. In many ways the last two years have been a dream - great community, great team relationships, great ministry, great food, great culture. Slowing down to make the decision has allowed me to feel the pain of the loss as well as the excitement of what is to come.

So I'm sitting here in Mexico City - still not quiet believing that I'm moving here....knowing that this is going to take me way out of my comfort zone - new job, new culture, new city, new language, new team. I'm not sure where this path in Mexico will lead but I know that New Orleans was a key part of the journey to take me there.

2008-03-09T21:45:00.002-05:00

In anticipation for eating some good cajun food and chocolate cake tonight, I decided to go on an afternoon jog today. I took my usual route around the park and then up on the levee. Sunday afternoons on the levee are an event - especially when the weather is nice. I knew it was going to be packed when I was running up the hill with the same car beside me the entire times since the traffic was moving so slowly. (On a side note, the car had its windows rolled down and they were smoking pot.... second hand pot and jogging does not make for the best combination.)

The park up on the levee was indeed packed. At first I was annoyed with everyone sitting out on the sidewalk, parking their cars too closely or crowding in but since I've been reading a book about living a contemplative life, I decided to ask the Lord to open my eyes to the life around me. Wow, what beauty I miss when I'm so focused on my own comfort and convenience. Suddenly I saw everything that I love about this city. There were the college students out on blankets studying, the old men sitting and looking at the river, the kids playing football in the grass. People with sacks of crawfish sat all along the river - sharing a meal and sharing a few stories. Some one had brought a card table and a poker game was going on in the middle of the grass. 5 or 6 horses were being unloaded from a trailer and people prepared to go for a ride. Joggers and bikers were all around. People rolled their windows down and blasted music of their choice - everything from jazz to hip-hop to country. Everywhere you looked there was life and community and people who just love to slow down and spend their Sunday afternoon together. Suddenly it went from being a crowded park to a picture of everything I love about this city. I love that we take life easy - that everything isn't about being productive but slowing down and enjoying people is a value. I love that people always find a reason to celebrate the season (it's crawfish season). I love that people can be unique - I did see a guy in a band uniform with his face painted silver riding his bike through the park.

There was no "group" that claimed the park or the day. It was full of young and old, people from wealth and people who obviously had very little. Intellectual college students and little children. I usually avoid the park on beautiful Sunday afternoons because I find the crowd annoying - but as I paused and asked God to show me the park through His eyes, a whole new picture came into view. We were created for life and for celebration - to enjoy beauty, great food, music and relationships. That levee was full of all of that this afternoon. I think I miss that because I'm so focused on life being about "getting it done" and "accomplishing the mission"....not bad things but I can miss the beauty in my drivenness.

Among so many other lessons, New Orleans has given me a chance to learn to live life. I will forever thankful for the lessons of this city

Killing the Plants

2008-02-22T16:04:00.003-06:00

My mom gave me an African Violet when I was home over Christmas. I knew it was a mistake to take it but she swore that with this special "violet pot" there was no way I could kill it. Well, apparently you can if you don't have the right soil. So, today I replanted my almost dead African Violet....we'll see if it makes it. By some measure of insanity, while buying the potting soil and plant food, I decided to buy more plants as well. This has been a pattern in my life - I love flowers so I buy a bunch of flowers and pots and create a beautiful arrangement on my porch and then over the course of about two months I kill them! (it's a good thing I don't have a puppy - or a child for that matter).

I've been thinking a lot about "planting and growing" lately. In working in full time ministry, we talk a lot about growing - growing movements, growing disciples, growing account balances, and I've always felt that to be a good 'Campus Crusader', I needed to grow things. The longer I've tried to fit into that mold, the more I see that I'm never going to be great at growing things (any one wanna make bets on how long these flowers on my porch are going to last?). I'm a much better starter. I have a gifting that we call "apostolic" but we don't live in an environment that really understands or even knows what to do with that gift. Our norm is that people would grow things - that we would want to grow things. I do want to see things grow, I don't just plant them for no purpose, I just know that I'm not the best person to grow them.

I long for the day when we start to understand and value how our gift mixes can really work together - when we have the faith to really move forward believing that it's okay to have different roles in the body of Christ. I think we're getting there - maybe slowly - but there are too many people who would say, "something is not working" for me to believe otherwise.

In the meantime, maybe I can convince my neighbor to take care of my plants for me......

Teams

2008-02-21T10:02:00.004-06:00

My launching trip to Northern LA and Little Rock, AR came on the heels of the Organic Church Conference. It really caused me to question the way we are putting teams together within our organization. Neil Cole talked a lot about the way the gifts of Ephesians 4:11 (apostle, prophet, evangelist, shepherd, teacher) work together with the emphasis being on the gifts working together. I feel like we value some gifts more than others within our organization. We have some amazing shepherds and a reputation of discipling people well. I think this has led us to really value the shepherd/teacher giftings and not seek to develop the apostle/prophet giftings.

I wonder what it would like if we could start to create teams where those giftings work together. Before I went to the conference I was very adamant that we needed more apostles. I honestly was a little down on all the shepherds in our ministry. Now that I have been thinking about how the mix could work together and really got to experience my gifting (the apostolic - I want to start, find the connections, push people out, I don't want to maintain or grow things), I see how freeing it is to be able to operate in your gifting. What if we were able to create teams that had a combination of the gifts and released people to do what they were made to do rather than asking everyone to do a similar job? I think we'd release a powerful force on the campuses around the world.

Divine Appointments Part Three

2008-02-21T09:52:00.003-06:00

My last "launching stop" on this trip was in Little Rock, Arkansas. I headed up to help out Doug and Becca Phillips as they begin a new missional team in Little Rock. The entire University of Arkansas team joined us as well as the St. Louis Metro team and John Achilles. It was an amazing two days.

My team was assigned to the University of Central Arkansas. The entire team worked so hard and did an amazing job! I got to spend two days doing what I absolutely love to do - challenging student leaders with the vision and making connections. I was blown away with what God is doing on that campus. I could tell hundreds of stories about the conversations I had but Rachel's story was unlike anything I'd ever heard.

Rachel went to Moody Bible in Chicago for two years but God had always placed UCA on her heart. She decided to transfer back to UCA. Even though her dad is on staff at a church with a major college ministry, she didn't feel really led to get involved there or in any other organization. She told me that just last week she had been driving through campus and thinking of a story from Bill Bright's (the founder of Campus Crusade for Christ) life. It was a story about when CCC had done a major event and he had hundreds of contacts laid out on his desk. He realized that all of those people didn't know the Lord and needed some one to tell them how to have a relationship with God. It led him to tears saying "they don't know, they just don't know". Rachel was driving through campus and felt that same sense of "they don't know" come over her. A week later, she walked into the union to find out table.

I'm so excited to see what God is going to do through the team in Little Rock - specifically at the University of Central Arkansas. I've known Doug and Becca for 8 years and I'm so proud of them for stepping out in faith and courage to follow the vision and passion God has given them!

Divine Appointments Part Two

2008-02-21T09:44:00.003-06:00

After my little trip to Northwestern, I headed up to Ruston, LA. Shekinah and Chris had given us some contacts there. I also was connected with a pastor at the church from my days in Dallas. Bill and Stacy Prescott are working with Bridges (the international student ministry of Campus Crusade) and they graciously opened their home to me. Bill spent the day with me on Friday. Our first stop was the church office to meet with the pastor. As we walked in Bill asked me, "what's the plan". I replied, "I have no idea, we're just going to see what God is doing".

It was so great to reconnect with James. He is a pastor that has great vision for reaching out to his community! He really desires to mobilize students that are coming to his worship services to go back and reach their campuses. I'm excited to see what God might do through this church.

An hour later we headed over to campus to meet up with three students. There are some amazing churches that are building into students on the campus and those students are involved in one of those churches, but every student said "nothing is really going into the campus and intentionally trying to make Christ known". I could sense that longing in their hearts. They want to reach out to the places that God has them and they are exactly the kind of students we are looking for! I quickly discovered that Melanie was a sorority sister (I didn't even know they had Sigma Kappa at LA Tech). She invited me to join her for lunch with the house chaplain. As we talked, it was clear that they both really want to see God move in the Greek system. Melanie's story amazed me. God took her to another country last summer and all she could think about was her sorority. He has raised her up to make an impact on the Greek system at LA Tech!

Later she took me over to the Sigma Kappa house and we snapped a quick picture in front of the letters!

Divine Appointments

2008-02-21T09:38:00.004-06:00

The last few days have been the most fun I've had all year! I headed up to Northern Louisiana last Thursday to hang out with some of our students at Northwestern. After a crazy start, I finally made it to the campus to spend some time with Shekinah and Chris. I really believe that God is up to something on this campus. On the way to our staff conference in November, a car load of our staff stopped on the exit for the university to grab lunch. We kind of jokingly mentioned we'd "launch a campus at lunch" and I threw up a half-hearted prayer. A little over a month later, Shekinah and Chris showed up at our Winter Conference. I really didn't make the connection until we were driving home from the conference and I saw the Wendy's off the exit. As I sat with Shekinah at a coffee shop on Thursday afternoon and heard her story, I was convinced that God has a divine purpose for her being at Northwestern. I don't know what's going to happen but I do have full confidence that the Holy Spirit is stirring some things up! I'm excited to see what will come of it. One last interesting thing about my trip to Northwestern - they certainly have the creepiest mascot I've ever seen. Yes, that is a demon wearing tennis shoes and jeans! I just can't bring myself to say "go demons"! (And I can't figure out how to flip pictures in blogger so if anyone knows, please tell me! It was just too creepy to leave the picture out)

Organic Church Conference Thoughts Part???

2008-02-13T21:35:00.002-06:00

I've been really contemplating this Organic Church Conference that I attended last weekend this week. The first night Deb Hirsch spoke and I keep going back to her talk. Here are her main points and some things taht I got out of them:

Obstacles that keep us from engaging in the mission:
1. Wrong view of Jesus
We tend to view Jesus through our cultural and religious lens instead of seeing him as he is. A good way to counter this is through spending time in the gospels. I totally agreed with this point. As I've spent time in the last years just reading the gospels they've really changed my view of Jesus.
2. Wrong view of ourselves
We act out of what we think - a year of counseling and heartbreak really showed this to be true in my life.
3. Wrong view of others.
One thing that struck me about this point is that if some one asks a group of Christians what is true about all people, the first thing we tend to say is "they are a sinner" but that's not the first thing that's true about all people. The first thing is that all people are created in the image of God and in some way reflect that. It totally changes the way we view people when we think through this lens.
4. Distorted view of love
We tend to see love as only romantic love - "Hollywood love", but love often brings pain. It made me think of some of my best friends. Being in relationship with them has often caused pain but there is also real love there.
5. Distorted view of the world
We tend to see the world through our socioeconomic status. Wow - my view of the world has dramatically changed living in New Orleans so I couldn't agree with this more!
6. Distorted view about money and status
Deb spent a lot of time on this point because the church has bought into the "American dream". We want to follow Jesus without sacrificing our money or our status. I find that to be so true and it's not following this Jesus I read about in the Gospels - very convicting point!
7. Wrong view of the family
In Jesus' time, the family unit wasn't the nuclear family - it was a whole community. We tend to isolate with our family rather than view the community as valuable.

She ended by saying that the church has joined the culture rather than be followers of Jesus. That's so true and it's often difficult to know how to even get out of the culture. It was the first of many challenging things I heard over the weekend.

News Worthy

2008-02-11T15:34:00.000-06:00

In the wee hours of the morning, I got home from the Organic Church Conference in California (after being delayed in Dallas for NO reason) and pulled myself out of bed early to give my good friends a ride to the airport for their vacation. Since one of my friends works for a major news network, we were chatting about the happenings over the weekend. On Friday, a girl in Baton Rouge walked into a technical college and killed two people and then herself. I asked him if he'd been sent to cover that story and his answer was "no, it wasn't important enough....really she killed herself too quickly for it to be news worthy". Now, this wasn't his decision, it was a network decision but I was shocked. The other "big" event in Louisiana this weekend was the presidential primary which did get major news coverage.

I think coming off of this conference where we talked so much about Christ, His Kingdom and His love for people, I was especially bothered by this. An act of violence that "only" killed three people was no longer sensational enough to warrant a major news story. Three lives were taken because something was so broken in this woman that she found the only way to fix it was to take a gun, kill two classmates and then herself....yet in our society that has now become less important than who will win the democratic primary. I think that must deeply grieve the heart of Jesus - the one who created those three lives that were taken....not only created them but created them in His image with a divine purpose for their lives.

Over the weekend, we kept singing a song taken from Isaiah 61. I've probably heard these verses many times before but living in the midst of the brokenness of life has opened my eyes so much to the hope of those verses.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon Me,
For the Lord has anointed Me
To bring GOOD NEWS to the POOR
He has sent Me to COMFORT the BROKENHEARTED
And to proclaim that CAPTIVES will be RELEASED
And PRISONERS will be FREED
He has sent Me to tell those who MOURN that the time of the Lord's FAVOR HAS COME.....
He will give a crown of beauty for ahses
A joyous blessing instead of mourning
Festive praise instead of despair
In their righteousness they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for His own glory.

Later in Luke 4, Jesus reads a part of this passage and says "The Scripture you've heard has been fulfilled this very day".

That really struck me, especially coming off of this conference. In Jesus and in Him alone is there hope, is there healing, is there what we need for the brokenness of the world - and He came to bring that.

So, it makes me wonder why we (the church) are so ineffective. It seems that we have more strategies, more money, more graphics and highly creative people than ever before but some how we're not brining this Jesus. We're bringing our very best but that's the problem - it's our very best rather than the Savior.

I guess that I'm at the place where I have to believe that only this Jesus can heal the deepest pains and it's not going happen if we do things the way we've done them for the last 50 years or so. Although I feel great despair when I look at the world around me. I also feel great hope about what is to come. I no longer want to live with a God that is convenient and neat, I want to live with God as He is - to know and believe and see that God. I have a feeling that it may rock my little Christian world, but I'm excited by the journey and thankful for the companions I'm finding along the way.

Mardi Gras

2008-02-05T20:59:00.000-06:00

When most people outside of New Orleans think of Mardi Gras, hundreds of negative images come to mind.....wild streets filled with half-naked women is probably the most common one. What people outside of New Orleans don't realize is that the Mardi Gras they see is the Mardi Gras of the tourists. It's not the Mardi Gras that those who live here love to celebrate.

This is my second Mardi Gras and it has reminded me of the many reasons that I love this city. It's a city full of color and celebration. For five days, families and friends take time to gather and to celebrate.

It reminds me of what is good about this city - that people really care about each other....that relationships are more important than efficiency (which can be seen in how long it is taking to actually rebuild this city)....that traditions matter.

So on the eve of Ash Wednesday, I find myself sad that the Carnival season is over....no more parades to attend or balls to prepare for....no more King Cake on the aisles in stores....no more reason to spend an entire Sunday afternoon sitting outside catching beads and chatting with friends. Well, at least not until St. Patrick's Day! You've got to love a city that can always find a reason to celebrate!

Movements for Everyone

2008-01-30T20:23:00.001-06:00

Today our entire staff team went to Southeastern for a day of prayer and Solarium. It was so encouraging to hear from the students all the things that are happening on their campus (this is a campus that is an hour away, so they do everything). God has really been at work in their midst.

As we were wrapping up the day, one of the freshmen girls came and sat with me. She started to tell me that she's in a sorority - always thinking ahead I asked her if she had considered leading a bible study in her sorority. To that question she replied - "I have, I mean there's not really a movement reaching out to them". That answer blew me away. Here's a freshmen gal who understands that not everyone is just going to come to CRU - that she can be a part of bringing a movement to the campus!

I love working with the catalytic style of ministry for this reason - yes at times it's messy but every student, every campus - we really believe that!

Opportunity

2008-01-24T21:52:00.001-06:00

Tonight I went to a mission team dinner with my church. Our church often has mission teams in who help rebuild the city. This was a smaller group so we sat around for about an hour just having conversations about life in New Orleans. We were discussing how similar New Orleans at time can seem to be like a third world country when one of the guys on the team mentioned "hey, this is still America - any kid in the lower 9th Ward has just as much opportunity as anyone else". Two years ago that comment would have probably just rolled off of me....of course he does. After working for the past two years with ethnic student ministries and living in an urban environment, I realize just how ignorant that train of thought is. In theory, in this country we all have the chance to make "it".....to live the American dream - but for a group of middle class white folks sitting around the table, that dream is pretty easy to live. I now see the struggle that those who come from the inner city face. They have very few role models. They often have no nurturing families, they have failed schools with no one at home asking them if they've done their homework or encouraging them to pursue a college education. Education isn't valued. There are more African American men in jail in this country than there are on college campuses. Who are the role models for the children of the next generation? We easily complain about how bad the schools are, about how low the work ethic is in the city.....what we don't understand is that there is a powerful cycle that traps most people in a life of poverty. People can overcome but I just think it's wrong of us who have been given so much to sit back and just say "overcome, I made something of myself so can you". I've had to overcome very little in my life to be successful.

When I think of the problems of a city, it overwhelms me. There's so much that needs to be fixed and I think as Christians we often retreat because we can't "fix' the problem. After living in New Orleans for a few years, I'm starting to see that I'm not necessarily the one to "fix" the problem but the way I live and give life to those I encounter reflects the kingdom of God. Everyone matters in God's economy - everyone should be seen through His lens. One of the most tangible examples of this in my life is a friend who lives in one of the world's largest cities - there is much wealth and much poverty in that city. One of the things that I've admired the most about him is the way he treats everyone with respect. I've seen him walk into a meeting with a major influencer in his job and treat that man the same way he treats the guy who walks up to him trying to sell a trinket on the street. He lives the gospel to those around him and people experience life as they interact with him.

I hope that the Christian community in New Orleans will be characterized as people that give that same kind of life. In a city that's marked by crime and violence, that we will cross the line and treat everyone with dignity and respect. That we won't wait for some one else to make a difference but will see our lives as an expression of the kingdom. I hope I will be that person - that I won't rush through my day thinking the things I need to do are more important than the moments I have to care for the people around me. I hope I won't retreat back to blissful ignorance because it seems easier to say that everyone has an opportunity than to admit that I've been privileged because I grew up in a white middle class world. I hope that I will see my city through the eyes of my Savior rather than my eyes that often judge based on appearance or status.

Rainy Day

2008-01-16T16:46:00.000-06:00

We had a coastal flood warning today in New Orleans.....it was one of those nasty, cold rainy days that we get this time of year. Even though I had a flight that got canceled and I had to fill my almost flat tire with air while it was raining sideways on me, my feet were dry and warm today. I made the investement into some rain boots and I have to say, I'm very happy with my purchase. I strongly recommend them for anyone who lives in a rainy area or who still likes to go splashing through the puddles without getting her feet wet!

Fully to Him

2007-12-23T09:49:00.000-06:00

Why must we give ourselves fully to God? Because God has given himself fully to us. If God who owes nothing to us is ready to impart no less than himself, shall we answer him with a fraction of ourselves? To give ourselves fully to God is a means of receiving God himself. I for God and God for me. I live for God and give up my own self, and in this way induce God to live for me. Therefore to posses God we must allow him to posses our soul.

These words were written by Mother Theresa and are recorded in the book, "Mother Theresa: Come Be My Light". The book received a lot of press this fall when it was released so when I saw a copy on the shelf of my local library, I picked it up. I've almost stopped reading it three times - it's challenging me in ways that I'm not really sure I want to be challenged.

Lately I've been finding in myself a longing for something deeper in my relationship with God. American Christianity is so self absorbed - so about what makes us happy and what makes our lives work. I easily fall into that trap. I want life with Christ and life lived on my own terms. I want great faith but I don't want it to mess with what I want to do in life. I want to live a life deeply connected to God as long as that doesn't interfere with my schedule too much. I want to make an impact on a community of people as long as they make me happy. Ultimately what I see, is there's a lot of me in the equation.

As I'm reading about the life of Mother Theresa, I see in her a woman who wanted nothing more than to experience God. She was willing to sacrifice everything for that - her family, her comfort, her position - everything. As I'm reading this book, I'm realizing how little sacrifice there is in my own life and I'm not even sure what that looks like in my life. How do we really give ourselves fully to God in a culture that is fixated on giving ourselves fully to our own pleasure? I don't know for sure but I suspect it's in the way I choose to live each day - either with an attitude that is self serving or with an attitude that sees everything (even the nasty drivers) as an opportunity to know God and make him known. I suspect it has something to do with dying to myself - I'm not very good at that one.

So this is my struggle right now - this is the prayer that I'm begging God to answer in my own life. I don't want to live the "average" Christian life, I want to experience the God who I can only really experience by giving myself fully to him.

Redeemer Christmas Party

2007-12-22T14:43:00.000-06:00

The highlight of this past week for me was our Redeemer Christmas Party. We celebrated at Rock-n-Bowl on Wednesday night. Rock-n-Bowl is one of the hidden treasures of New Orleans.....it's an old bowling alley (no electronic score keeping - you do it by hand) with a stage and dance floor. They have live music while you bowl. We decided to make Christmas simple and have the party at there this year.

I've experienced more community at Redeemer than I have any other place in my life. One of my greatest fears as I moved to New Orleans was that I wouldn't have any friends - God abundantly answered that prayer by taking me to this tiny church about a mile from my house. The first Sunday I was there, maybe 40 people were at the service. Redeemer was a small and struggling church before the storm and much of the congregation left after the storm but against all odds, we continue to grow! What I've experienced at Redeemer is real people who don't hide behind the Christian facade but live real lives and deeply experience God. I've been challenged and loved so well through the community of our church.

Since I'm a terrible bowler and my back was hurting from some freaky and torturous position we did in Yoga the night before, I was standing near by our last lane on Wednesday night chatting with people as they arrived. At one point a break in the conversations came and I turned to look at our little crowd. About 40 people had gathered that night. I couldn't help but think that Redeemer is a picture of surviving. The pastor who came said yes to a lesser job (he could have taken a job at a big church in California) and loves New Orleans more than anyone I know. Our church is filled with people who moved to New Orleans to make an impact on the city post-Katrina mingled with a handful of people who were here before the storm and have welcomed us into their city and mentored us in the ways of New Orleans. (I wouldn't know half the things about the city if it weren't for the Moffats). It was such a sweet picture to look out over friends celebrating in this church that had survived the worst natural disaster in our countries history. At that moment Steverson Moffat (one of the folks who was here before the storm) walked up to me. I commented on my thoughts to Steverson and with a big grin on his face he agreed. He said, "I tell Jane (his 13 year old daughter) all the time that we have something special here - having a church like this is rare".

I wonder if I were 13 years old and in Jane's situation if I would realize what an amazing community I able to grow up in. Probably not - I was too self-centered at 13 and would have been looking for the big youth group with tons of conferences to attend. I would want the slick program and the amazing praise band. But now, with almost two decades on Jane, I realize that what we have is indeed rare. Community is more valuable to me now than programs and I am so grateful to experience such an incredible community!

More Driving Saga

2007-12-21T14:41:00.000-06:00

Okay, I know, enough with the complaining about the driving incidents. This one was too good not to share. I drove to Atlanta today - left New Orleans around 5 a.m. to miss the Friday afternoon traffic in Atlanta. My parent's life way north in Atlanta so it takes about an hour to get to their house once you hit the city. I arrived around one thinking it would be smooth sailing - it was not. Everyone was heading out of town the Friday before Christmas - still, I was pleasantly surprised. We moved along at a creeping 15-20 miles per hour but no one darted in and out of traffic, no one laid on the horn, no one darted in and out of lanes and no one was drinking a beer as they raced through traffic. I was so shocked that all these people were sitting in traffic with so little road rage. When we hit the Georgia 400, "that guy" showed up - you know the obnoxious one who is in such a hurry that he bullies all the other cars. He was in the far right lane (the lane you're suppose to be in if you're the slowest driver) tailgating people and blinking his lights for them to get out of the way. There were 4 passing lanes to his left. He was weaving in and out traffic - cutting people off like he was the most important person in the world. As he darted around me I saw his license plates - Louisiana of course!

Time for a Break

2007-12-19T18:31:00.000-06:00

It's time to get out of New Orleans. After the incident on Sunday with the guy yelling at me for stopping where there was no stop sign, I was starting to feel the city close in on me. All week I've been honked at for driving too slow, too fast or not moving fast enough when the light turns green. Today as I was walking through the Quarter people were blaring on their horns right and left. I made my way back over to my secret parking spot (secret because it's free) and pulled out to leave. Because the street dead ends, you have to make a left onto a one way street. I did that and started to drive down it only to have the car in front of me fly into reverse and come at me very quickly. I laid on the horn thinking that I was seconds away from getting hit. Rather than going forward down the one way street, the car stopped until I backed up so they could go through and then the lady leaned out the window and started yelling at me for going the RIGHT way on a one way street.

I'm ready for a break - I'm ready to go to a place where people don't regularly yell at you for legally driving - I'm ready to not worry about potholes and crime for a few days. I'm lucky, I get to leave. As frustrated as I am with the crazy lady today, I can't help but wonder what her life has been like in the last 3 years. Did she lose everything? Has she fought back only to find her Road Home money fall through? Do her kids go to the terrible public schools? Does she live in a neighborhood where she fears being shot on a daily basis?

Some days it seems like the whole city is just pissed off, but I guess that people do have a lot to be pissed off about. I asked my friend David English for some advice on living in the middle of this craziness. Here's a little portion of the email he sent me:

There are things that cause us to be emotionally sad or feel something
like that. Sadness is an emotion we feel when there seems to be no
control we can exercise. It also happens when our expectations are not
fulfilled. Sadness can control us and sometimes for a lifetime. It can
be the predominant emotion that characterizes some people's lives.
Sadness is not bad. Jesus was referred to as "a man of many sorrows."

Here is a process to deal with sadness:

Low entitlement
High gratitude
Don't take failure personally
Rest

I see in this city (and in myself more often than not) a high sense of entitlement, a lack of gratitude, a feeling of personal failure and a lack of rest. No wonder we have such a hard time recovering - no wonder we're yelling at each other in our cars.

So, the challenge for those who claim to follow Christ is to deal with the sadness in a way that would honor the one we follow, not the way we see modeled around us all the time. I hope that we would be people that would live seeing Christ in the midst or our circumstances - taking a break from the city to rest when we need to, but having grateful hearts to live and serve here.

Oh and I think I'm going to take the Street Car next time I go to the Quarter - no need for anyone else to yell at me about my driving!

Training

2007-12-18T16:18:00.000-06:00

I'm back in training for a race.....now I use those terms very loosely. I don't really consider myself any type of athlete, I really just do races to stay motivated as I see my waist line expand over the holiday/conference season. I hope to run in the Mardi Gras Half Marathon but we'll see if I actually make the goal. Regardless, I pulled out my little training chart last week and began to run again.

It's funny the lessons that I seem to learn in training and this time has been no exception. I ran 4 miles on Sunday and felt great - I could have gone at least one more. So today, when my little chart said 3.5 miles, I thought, "piece of cake". Well, not exactly. About a mile into my run I started getting a sharp pain in my side. This happens every time I start to train for something. Before I ran my first half marathon I would always quit when I got to that point and would never be able to significantly increase my mileage. What I learned when I trained for that race is that it may be painful and it may be ugly, but you have to push through the pain if you're going to make it for the long haul. Today when that pain started I was very tempted to quit but I kept going. After about another mile, it went away only to return in the last quarter mile.

As I was running down the street counting down the seconds until I hit the 3.5 mile mark, it struck me that life is a lot like that pain in the side. The challenges of life come and go and if we aren't able to push through the somewhat painful times, we won't have the training to make it on the long haul. There are some slightly painful things in my life right now and everything in me wants to avoid them or to even run from them, but who will I be in the end if I don't face them and continue down the path? Who will I be if I don't face what today holds so I can handle the things that come some day?

So, out the door I go - tying on my shoes and believing that the pain of today does matter - it is part of what gives me the endurance for the long haul.

Christmas Adventures in the Quarter

2007-12-17T11:21:00.000-06:00

My friend Emily and I had quite an adventure last night. We thought we'd join this sweet and reverent time of caroling in Jackson Square - a 50 year tradition in New Orleans. It was......different than I thought it would be.

First of all parking in the Quarter is a nightmare. I refuse to pay $12 to park for a free event. So we drove up and down the streets looking for that rare but valuable free street spot. As we were briefly stopped craning our necks at one intersection to see if a space was available to us, the guy behind us started blaring his horn. One street down he managed to get around us as I was trying to see if I would fit into a space. At the next stop sign he got out of his car and came back to yell at us for stopping where there was no stop sign - yelled! "Merry Christmas to you too" I thought as I pulled out my cell phone, dialed 9-1-1 and told him that I was making the call if he did not get back into his car. After a few more stressful blocks of looking for a space, we finally found a great one and headed down the caroling.

Again, I was thinking of some of the great musicians in the city - how incredible the singing would be and how great everything would sound. When we were greeted at the gate by a man and woman dressed in Victorian attire, I was sure my suspicions were right on. As we rounded the corner to the stage we heard "and now our mayor will lead us in Jingle Bells". C Ray singing Jingle Bells?!? We had to push to the front to see this but as we darted under a palm tree it caught on fire (I'm not kidding and it wasn't us, we didn't have candles). People were frantically batting at the tree with their Santa hats to out out the fire so Emily and I pushed to the front to find that yes, C Ray was indeed leading us in Jingle Bells! From there the music went from bad to worse. It was all the city leaders who were our song masters and let's just say they weren't good and they seemed to have enjoyed the eggnog a little too much that evening. It was one of the most comical things I'd ever seen. It was also beautiful....all of Jackson Square in front of the cathedral covered by people singing, laughing and holding candles.

In a city where there is often lots of violence, anger, blame shifting and fear, it was fun to come together for an evening and celebrate. As we were singing "O Holy Night", I couldn't help but think of that baby born over 2000 years ago. Somehow being PC didn't matter last night - we sang of the hope of Christ. When I look at this city, I think that really is our only hope. I long for more times that our city could gather like this - to celebrate the true hope.....but maybe with different singers next time.

Street Car!

2007-12-13T19:04:00.000-06:00

Today I was getting out of my car at the New Orleans library nearest me on St. Charles I heard this clanging sound behind me. I turned to see the street car running! The St. Charles Street Car line is the longest running railway in the United States and for over two years it's sat dormant. The hurricane badly damaged the power lines and much work has been done to get the car up and running again. For the first two years I lived here, the street car line was used only for joggers....a convenient way to avoid the hazardous sidewalks, (I've tripped numerous times on the uneven pavement) but just over a month ago the St. Charles line opened all the way to Napoleon Ave. I had just read in the paper that it was suppose to open all down St. Charles by Dec. 23rd, so I was happily surprised to see it roar past me today.

Yes, I know that the opening of the street car is going to take away our nice turn lanes.....but there's something about seeing it lumber it's way down St. Charles that makes me incredibly happy. In a city where things are constantly being demolished, it's nice to see something so historical be restored.

Decorating

2007-12-06T19:11:00.000-06:00

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas decorations. On the one hand, I love to have my house decorated. I love the lights and the festive atmosphere it creates. On the other hand I hate to wrestle out the 8 ft fake tree, to put the lights on it and I especially hate the thought of coming home after holiday travel to take it down. This year I had almost convinced myself to not even decorate but when I invited my friend Melanie over for dinner got inspired....well kind of inspired. Instead of putting the massive fake tree up, I opted for the tiny (about 2 ft) tree that I bought the year the guys borrowed my tree for the student Christmas party but refused to give it back.

There's something sweet about pulling out your Christmas decorations every year. Each one of them holds a special memory. There are the wooden ornaments that represent my tree growing up - we always had the German ornaments on our tree (we also had real candles but that was put to a stop by the tree catching on fire one year). There's the white and silver snowdrop ornaments that I bought the my first year out of college. There used to be 6 of them - only 4 survived from the year my roommate tried to surprise me by "decorating" our tree - unfortunately she put it up crooked and it fell over in the middle of the night. There's the silver bells that I bought after the unfortunate tree falling incident - a little more sturdy than the glass balls. There is the silver Fleur de lis representing the first GNO team.

Memories seem to flood back whenever I decorate for Christmas - good and bad memories. I realized that I like being alone with those memories. They remind of the years - of the faithfulness of God over all the years. It causes me to remember people who are no longer part of my every day life and places that I've long left behind.

In the end, it's worth it to drag out all of the stuff - to clean up fake pine needles for weeks and to have to pack it all back up in January. It is a season that should be celebrated - not rushed, but savored for the sweet gift of that baby it brought us so long ago.

Staff Conference

2007-11-27T21:43:00.000-06:00

I'm not typically a very sentimental person.....it may come from the hours and hours of going through my grandmother and great-grandmother's piles of "treasures" they saved when I was younger or it may come from the fact that I just like to be efficient - whatever the reason, I don't tend to dwell on the past too much. That is one of the reasons that the barrage of emotions I felt as we pulled up to Pinecove for our annual Red River staff conference surprised me.

Seven years - there's seems to be something significant about going to a place for the last seven years. As I was taking a walk through the woods on the last afternoon I had some time to reflect on the good and the hard memories those woods bring to mind. I remember the first time I walked into the meeting room, I hardly knew a soul and I was terrified. I remember the day my team sat in a room and cried together because something was wrong in our relationships and we couldn't seem to fix it. (We later skipped the meeting and went for Mexican food). I remember late nights eating dessert and playing games around a table full of friends. Many of those friends have moved on to other lives now. I remember meeting new friends for the first time - a couple who had come back from overseas to work in our region - little did I know that a few years later she would be my boss ( and a great one at that). I remember the night that I had to leave the room because the guy who had broken my heart was leading worship and I felt as though I could no longer breath. I remember the accident - after a weekend of laughter and fun discovering that our friends had almost died on the way home. I remember it being a place where God met me in my joy and in my pain.

I can't believe how many people have come and gone over the years....and often I can't believe that I'm still here. This year may have held one of my most precious memories. I walked in on Friday night and sat with a group of staff that I have known my entire staff career. They were freshmen in college when I first showed up on campus. It was amazing to see them sitting at that table....to see what God has done with their lives. I've been so privileged play a small role in their lives. They certainly weren't sitting at that table because of me. I got to walk a little way along the journey with them.....but I believe that the journey they have a far greater influence than mine has had. It was perhaps the sweetest moment I have ever experienced at Pinecove and I'm so grateful for each one of them.

Neighbors

2007-11-08T16:12:00.000-06:00

I have this sweet neighbor named Tom. He calls me "darlin" and watches out for me. I feel like he's almost been an adopted grandfather to me. (My own grandfather died when I was 14 and the other lived far away, so I've really liked having some one like that in my life again). He and his wife have been married for sixty years and they've lived in the same little house on Laurel Street for their entire married lives. Tom is the heart of our neighborhood. He knows everyone's name. He has time to chat every day, and even those he has one of those annoying little yippy dogs, I always look forward to seeing him.

In the last few months he and his wife have been sitting on the porch every evening. They just sit together....you can tell that they've been together for a lifetime and just really love each other. She's not been in good health this past year. In the spring, she rushed to the hospital one morning at 3 am.

On Monday, I woke up at 4:30 to hear a car door slamming. I noticed that Tom's car was gone all the time this week and his kids and grandkids cars came and went. I've been so worried that something happened to his wife. I can't imagine Tom without her. I can't imagine what it would be like to spend a life time with some one you loved and then lose them. Happily, this morning I found out that she had gone into the hospital for knee replacement surgery and breezed through it.

A few minutes ago I was standing in my kitchen washing dishes when I heard the car door slam. I looked out the window to see Tom bring his bride home. His daughter was with him but he was the one who went to the door and helped her out. He was the one who helped her struggle up the stairs and held her in his arms as they walked through the door.

In a time where marriage vows seem to mean very little and where men often seem to have lost the sense of what it means to really take care of a woman, it deeply touched my heart to see this eighty-something year old man take tenderly care for his wife. That is a picture of lifetime friendship and love. I'm so glad to have them home (even the yippy dog).

An Amazing Fall Retreat!

2007-10-14T22:01:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was our second New Orleans/Southern Louisiana Fall Retreat. It was probably the most amazing fall retreats I've ever been a part of! On Saturday morning we had this wonderful guided prayer time put together by one of our staff. Students went to different stations all over the camp to spend time with the Lord. I decided to go out and sit at the picnic tables in the middle of the camp. Here's what I wrote in my journal....

I'm sitting here at the camp on this perfect fall day looking out at the students - watching the two Matt's as they sit on the hill under the shadow of the cross. I have no idea what they are discussing as they sit there but it's such a picture of redemption....one man brand new on his journey with Christ - one man barely a few steps down the road. They sit there together and I think, this is the perfect picture of this life that they have now entered. The cross - it stands behind them - beside it they look small. It's shadow falls on the hill in front of them. I pray that they will be men who always live in the shadow of the cross - knowing that it's always about a relationship given through sacrifice. I pray that the cross will never become small or marginalized, or even just a symbol in their lives.....that they will know every day how desperately they need that cross - that life will be about the one who gave Himself for them. I also love that they sit in the shadow of the cross together. Our journey is not alone - we walk the road together. I hope that they will be men who will walk this road together for the rest of their lives....that their relationships will be significant.....that they will see that this journey is lived in community.

I think that for the first time this weekend, I started to grasp a little of the passion that Paul had when he would pray for his churches - for the people who were left behind to minister. I want so much for these students - I want them to not settle for "normal Christianity". I want them to live the adventure - to courageously embark on the journey. I don't want them to settle for a life that is small or normal - but to beg God to give them everything he has for them - to live lives that are extraordinary because they live lives in the shadow of the cross. I want them to be the men and women who don't compromise - who take God at His Word - who believe His goodness and who live radical lives. I want that so much that my heart aches for them. I believe that they were created for so much - I read the book of Acts - how ordinary men and women lived lives that were eternally significant.....how they changed the world. I really believe that this group of students can be the ones to change their world.

I know that they are all home now - some cramming for tests that they have this week, some hanging out with friends, some going to organization meetings and some collapsing from exhaustion. Life is pulling them back in....but hopefully they are not the same - hopefully they have walked a little further down the path and gotten a better taste of the life that they were meant to live. Hopefully they understand more that their story is God's story and there's a great story still to be written through them.

Last Letters

2007-10-08T22:04:00.000-05:00

Today as I was driving home from the gym (or the hour of torture as I like to call it) I flipped to a country station on the radio. Now, being from East Tennessee you have to at least have some tolerance for country and I'll admit - there are even a few artists that I enjoy. Okay, they're cheesy but there are some country songs that really get to me. One is a song by Tim McGraw called "If Your Reading This" which he wrote as a tribute to American soldiers who have lost their lives fighting for our country. The song is about a letter that each soldier writes but hopes is never read - the letter that's given to loved ones when the soldier doesn't come home. My brother wrote letters like that the week before he left for Iraq. I'm so glad that we never read those letters but I teared up as I drove home thinking of all the wives, children, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters and friends who have read those letters over the year. What would you say in your last letter? How does life change when you know you're going into battle? When you know you may not come home? What kind of hope and comfort would that letter offer to those left behind.

I then started to think about last words - how they matter so much. One of my favorite books in the bible is II Timothy - Paul's last words to his disciple Timothy.

One line that Paul writes just a handful of sentences before the letter closes is

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.

This line really struck me. Yes, Paul has fought the good fight - he has finished strong! But then he says,

I have remained faithful

. Why did Paul - the Paul who took the gospel to the places it had never been while being beaten, arrested, shipwrecked and stoned have to say he had remained faithful? I think maybe I would have said something different - like

I'm in the home stretch

I'm ready to go - come get me Lord

but instead Paul says

I have remained faithful

Now as I sit and think about it, remaining faithful to anything but my happiness isn't very easy. If I believe that the call to follow Christ isn't just a segment of my life but demands my entire life, then remaining faithful is about much more than having a good ministry, being involved in a local church and not doing any of the "thou shalt nots'. It's about every thought, every attitude, every moment of every day. It's about loving the Lord my God with all my heart, all my mind and all my soul. When I look at my life, often I'm not faithful. I'd rather be happy than faithful. I'd rather be entertained. I'd rather be busy so I can feel important. I'd rather get the praise that belongs only to God. Remaining faithful is hard for me and no one has ever tried to stone me!

So I wonder what I would write in my last letter? I hope like Paul I will be able to say that I remained faithful. I hope that my life teaches me what it means to be a faithful follower of Christ, not a person devoted to making my life better. I hope that someday if some one is reading my last letter it inspires them to continue on toward God!

Missing Home....

2007-10-07T16:21:00.001-05:00

It's not often that I find myself missing home - well I guess you can still call a place home when you've been gone for almost a decade. I grew up in East Tennessee - the sticks of East Tennessee to be exact. My grandparent's lived on a farm up a in a little community in Appalachia called Stony Creek. Their address was a rural route number and I used to play around the building that had been the outhouse when my father was a child.

After I moved to Dallas, I discovered that I was a city girl. I love the outdoors - hiking, camping, spending time on the lakes and rivers; but I can only take so much and then I need the life of the city. If I never had to mow a lawn I'd be fine with that - my friend Pete says I'm destined to live in a trendy loft in New York City...we'll see about that!

October is here and it's my favorite month. Something about is has me longing for the those fall days in Tennessee. It could be the fact that it's still 87 degrees here and the leaves show no sign of any change in the near future. It could be the arrival of pumpkins at every store around me. It could be that Tennessee finally pulled out a victory against a good team and is back in the top 25 (barely, but they're there - Go Vols!). Whatever it is, there are moments that I want to go home - I want to go sit in the rocker on the porch of my grandparent's house and look out over the magnificent colors of the valley. I want to hike by the streams in the Smoky Mountains. I want to smell the crisp smell that comes with autumn and taste the fresh apples. I want to take a hayride with friends and bundle up under blankets as we sit around a bonfire. I want to be decked out all in orange and go scream in a football stadium with 107,000 fans. I want to relive a thousand memories from the years I spent there.

When I was growing up, I thought I would never leave home - or that it would always be there, but life has taken me to places that I never imagined in those years. Life has changed in ways I never thought possible. The rocking chairs are gone - the farm was sold years ago. The friends who used to ride in the hayrides or scream with me at football games have moved. Even my own parent's no longer call Tennessee their home. But even thought I sit on my coach hundreds of miles away, I know the leaves all over the valley are changing into those brilliant colors of fall....and I guess when I really miss home, the memories of that are sweet enough to take me there!

Irresistible!

2007-10-04T20:23:00.000-05:00

Now, I'm not one of those girls who walks in the room and is just drawn to the nearest kid (ask any of my friends)....but there's something about my friend's little one that I can't resist! I walk into the room and just want to scoop him up into my arms. I mean - who could resist him?

Day of Prayer

2007-10-03T10:13:00.001-05:00

Okay, I'll admit it....it's not very spiritual but I've always thought day of prayer was - well kind of boring - even a waste of time! I know, I know - how can a leader in a ministry say that? I know that some people deeply experience God by sitting in a room with others and crying out to God - there have even been times that I've had that deep experience of God by crying out to him in a room full of people....but I'm by nature an active person. I have a hard time focusing if I sit and try to concentrate for too long. As Christians I think we often get into a rut. We find something that works - or something that's easy and we do it over and over again and then often wonder why it's dry or even boring.

Yesterday we had a great day of prayer. Our entire team went down to the French Quarter and spent the day there. It was one of those perfect fall days - low humidity but still warm and sunny. We started off at Cafe Du Monde - having coffee and beignets - laughing and connecting as a team. In the background street musicians were playing There was a cool breeze and it carried the smell fresh beignets being served and cafe au lait being brewed. It felt so alive.

From there we spent some individual time connecting with the Lord. Just sitting behind the cafe looking over this city that God has called us to, I felt overwhelmed by His presence - by His desire for the city. Something about being in the heart of the city revealed God's heart for the city to me.

From there we spent the rest of the morning meeting in the park at Jackson Square - a combination of prayer walking and sitting on benches praying for our leaders. At one point the street musicians were playing Amazing Grace as we were praying. We then all gathered for lunch at a restaurant looking out on the St. Louis Cathedral. All the doors were opened and it was a great time of connecting and enjoying Po-boys and other New Orleans cuisine.

In the afternoon we took more walks - heard the jazz musicians practicing at Preservation Hall as we prayed for the city. We sat in a 250 year old cathedral and prayed for our partnership in Mexico City and finally walked down the river and prayed for our students.

What I loved about the day is that it was active - it was alive and engaged with the very heart of our city. It wasn't hidden in some building - but in the open....moving and celebrating the things we love about the city (food, music, history, ect). It reflected my God who is creative and active and whose heart beats for the city. It's not the only way to spend a day of prayer - it's not the only way to engage the heart of God....but it sure was the most fun day of prayer I've ever had!

Time for the Hard Work

2007-09-25T22:50:00.001-05:00

I know I talk a lot about New Orleans on my blog. I guess that's because New Orleans is not just a place you live - if you let it, if you embrace it as a city rather than mock it or look down upon it, it becomes a part of who you are. I feel a confidence that whether I live here 2 years or 20 years, New Orleans will always be a part of who I am.

Tonight I had a great discussion with a group of friends about rebuilding the city. The easy work is mostly done in New Orleans. Anyone who has come down and gutted out a house might not say that it's easy work. I don't mean easy work in terms of physical labor but in personal cost. It's easy to come down and gut out a house. At the end of the day, you've accomplished a goal, you know that you've made something better for some one. Christians have served New Orleans well in this. They came first, they came consitantly and they continue to come. The city would not be in the place it is today without the thousands of people who have come and continue to come. I don't downplay that contribution at all.

Now the hard work comes. Now the resolve that "we will rebuild" has faded into reality. The reality that most of the time it's not safe to walk down the street at night. The reality that you may have something stolen at any time. The reality that the Saints aren't winning this year. The reality that "for sale" signs are popping up everywhere because people can't take it anymore. The reality that the students in our schools probably can't or won't make it to college - and 2/3rds of them don't care. The reality that people are broke, they are tired, they are running out of hope.

So, how does a group of people who are followers of Christ be salt and light in this New Orleans? How do we stand against racism? How do we care about schools for those who don't care? How do we celebrate the good in life? How do we come alongside people who are ready to pack up and leave because they just can't take it anymore?

I don't know the answer to that question - all I know is that we can't be content to play "church" or to have a faith that's personal but doesn't reach out. When I read the story of the early church in Acts I see an amazing community. They celebrated, they gave generously - they risked everything to show Christ to the world. We can't be safe Christians in New Orleans (Christians who focus on our church or organization while naivly saying God will make everything better). The call for those who claim to be fully-devoted followers of Christ in this city is to live out that faith - by loving the city, by being part of the solution, by offering hope, by standing against racism...violence....injustice, by celebrating and inviting others into our celebrations.

Honestly, this kind of Christianity is much harder to live. It's messier. It means that we may work really hard, give lots of time, money and energy while nothing changes. However the alternative is to stay within a Christian bubble - to just be content with the groups we've brought in to rebuild homes. To pat ourselves on the back and say we've "done good" - while a dying world sits at our doorstep. That doesn't sound much like the God we claim to follow....the one who loved us so much that he GAVE his son to bring us life. It's not the Christian that I want to be in this post-Katrina New Orleans.

So my prayer for the Christians of this city is that we would have the courage....not just to stay but to give like never before.....to show a city what it looks like when we are the hands and feet of Christ.

Mystery Smell

2007-09-22T19:00:00.000-05:00

There's a mysterious smell invading my house. I have searched and searched to no avail. I scrubbed and bleached my trash can....but the smell came back. I cleaned out my refrigerator - checking every suspicious item within - still nothing. My current theory is that my evil nemosis the giant roaches have decided to take revenge on me for slaughtering their friends by dragging pieces of trash into my house and hiding it from me. It could happen - right?

Rest

2007-09-22T15:05:00.000-05:00

I've worked in Christian ministry for almost 9 years now. In our organization, we are allowed to set aside one day a month for a "day with the Lord". I've never really understood the point of a "day with the Lord"....it has always just seemed like a waste of a day to be honest. I either feel this incredible pressure to accomplish something super-spiritual that day or I'm incredibly distracted by all of the things that I am not doing because I'm taking a "day with the Lord". My whole perspective changed on Thursday.

Okay, I'll be honest, it started because I joined a gym and I had an appointment with a trainer scheduled for Thursday morning so I thought - "why not take the day off"? Then even better - "take a day with the Lord". Ironically the appointment with the trainer got rescheduled and I proceeded with my day with the Lord.

I feel like for the last 5 weeks I've been one of those little rats on a treadmill....I'm running as hard as I can, doing as much as I can but I have no idea where I'm going or how to get off. On Monday I had a major meltdown over some lost keys. Tuesday was a great trip to Lafayette, LA but at the end of the day I wasn't sure I would make it to Thursday. On Wednesday I made a commitment to my team that I was going to "unplug" for the day - turn off my cell phone and my computer! So Wednesday night, I took off my watch, shut down the computer and put away the cell phone. The next day I slept until 11:00 - I couldn't believe it! I haven't slept until 11:00 on a Thursday.....well - ever. I barely sleep until 8:00 on a Saturday.

So at 11:00 I rolled out of bed, made my coffee and plopped down on my couch. The only desire I had for the day was to meet with the Lord. The next four hours flew by - I couldn't believe it. I started to again experience the Lord's pleasure in me - not in my activity but in me as a beloved daughter. The Bible came alive - prayer was easy....it naturally and passionately flowed. At the end of the day I felt refreshed and focused - ready to live mission, not do ministry!

Even now, two days later I feel so much more centered on God. I think this is what Jesus means when he says, "Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest for your souls.".

This is my official admonition to everyone who claims to be a follower of Christ - who wants their life to be an influence - take a day.....take a week if you need it! (Just don't tell HR that I've been skipping my days with the Lord).

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit

2007-09-17T21:39:00.000-05:00

At my church we are doing a three week sermon series on the poor in spirit from Matthew 5. I've always read the beatitudes and thought - "I don't really get this". I'm a 'how to' kind of gal - I want you to tell me how to do something and I never understood how to be "poor in spirit". This spring I started studying Matthew and discovered that Jesus was really turning life upside down when he said these words. He was speaking to an audience that would have been very proud of their religious traditions - who lived in relative comfort and security. They were tempted to think their efforts made them great. Jesus turned that on it's head when he said that it's not those who are powerful but who are poor in spirit who are blessed (which is a happiness that comes from God's favor, not circumstances).

So my pastor mentioned that we are a poor in spirit church - we're weak, we're small. In all of our denomination we're not thought of as great - after years and years we are still a mission church rather than a self-supporting church.....yet this poor and weak church understands one thing - we understand how much we need God. We recognize that it's not our programs, our presentations or our talents that are creating life change - but a rag-tag band of followers living out of great need.

I've found more community and life here than in any church in which I've taken part over the years. As I thought about what Ray had to say about our church, I had to agree. I invite people into our community because we are real people, with real struggles who really need God. I want others to experience that life...the life that comes by entering one another's pain and struggles not to fix them, but to walk through them together.

This led me to my bike ride home from campus today. Whenever I go to Tulane, I find myself not wanting to be poor in spirit but wanting to be powerful and impressive. I want our ministry to grow and to thrive there. I want us to be more organized - to have it more together. I was riding home and thinking why I want that - really it's to build me up....to validate what I do - to grow my own reputation.....to build my own kingdom. I was thinking how delighted God would be to take this little band of followers at Tulane and use them to build his kingdom. It may not be with slick programs or with well-planned gatherings. It may be by bringing together real people with real struggles who understand how desperate they are for God to show up - how poor in spirit they really are. That actually sounds like a movement that I (the real me, the me that knows how helpless and broken I am) would want to be a part of - a place that I could find life.

So my new prayer for our students is not that they would have it all together or be able to do great things but that they would understand how desperatly they need the Lord. That they would live as the poor in spirit.

Mission verses Ministry

2007-08-30T09:22:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about Mission verses Ministry this week. Last Sunday at church my pastor made a comment that I've been pondering all week. He said that the best place to recover from the exhaustion is to live in the mission. I wrote that down and then immediately wrote beside it - "how do you do that?".

I've served in ministry for 8 years now and with increasing frequency I find myself wanting to do anything else. It's a battle that I fight with myself. I love to see people's lives changed - to get to have an impact on them. At the same time, I feel worn out and like there's no season of rest that's adequate. So, when Ray made that statement it caused me to stop. At first I was skeptical - thinking, "he's an extreme people person....the ministry energizes him". Then I thought, "he doesn't do college ministry and travel 4 months out of the year so it's much easier for him to make that statement". Finally I decided that he was plain nuts and didn't know what he was talking about. (If you'd have seen Ray at Mardi Gras or even at breakfast this morning you might tend to agree with me).

However, the statement has come back to my mind again and again this week. I was talking to my friend Joe about Alan Hirch's book, "The Forgotten Ways" on Monday. Joe asked me what I liked about the book and I had forgotten (ironic considering the title). I grabbed my book and flipped it open. It landed on a page that talked about some of the problems of churches today. One was that they are ministry, not mission focused. As I saw these words, something clicked in my mind. I began to wonder....is the reason I'm so exhausted because I am living in ministry, not mission?

I remember going down to Mexico City in the spring - it was so freeing to do ministry there. Everyday I felt like we went out to see how the mission would be lived out that day. I've felt like that a few times as we've gotten started this fall (in-between phone appointments and paperwork). I think that my problem is I don't really live the mission (to bring the love of Christ to a hurting world - or the way we say it within Crusade to create movements everywhere so that everyone knows some one who truly follows Christ). That mission compels me - it excites me and it is indeed a place of rest. It doesn't leave me feeling under the pile or pressured - I feel free to open my eyes to what God is doing and be part of it. Somehow, I get that confused with ministry (a way to live out the mission). Ministry becomes the center - getting my "to-do" list accomplished...even if that means I can't get to campus or I don't have time to engage in the lives of other people. Making sure we have the best plans to reach our goal (I'm not against planning - it just seems like we talk a little about mission and a lot about how to do the ministry). My favorite one is creating meetings so we can solve the problems of the ministry. Some how the problems seem to grow and my desire to see the mission accomplished seems to fade.

So I've decided that Ray is probably not crazy after all (at least on this topic). That the mission is what energized me.....it's what I can live out in the midst of any circumstance of life. Now my challenge is how to live for the mission not the ministry. When I live for the ministry, I start to demand a "normal" life. I want my rights. I want the right to live in a safe place, to be cool when I want to be cool, to sleep when I want to sleep, to not have to give too sacrificially of my time or resources, and to get to move to the place I want to live and have all the comforts of life but at the same time call myself a radical disciple of Christ. When I live the mission, nothing is too great a sacrifice in light of the sacrifice that Christ has made for me.

So the challenge is to live in the mission - to find rest in the mission. It's not an easy place to be. I'm better at ministry because I can control that. But the mission brings me to life! Maybe that's one of the reason's Christ said, "I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly".

The Journey of Katrina

2007-08-29T20:42:00.000-05:00

There's been a lot to ponder in the last few days here in New Orleans. This is a crazy city and it has completely changed everything about the way I view ministry and God. It's been an unexpected journey, but none the less a journey that has so shaped me I cannot imagine what my life would have been like if I had not walked its path. It's strange to think that for the rest of my life, Hurricane Katrina will not be something that happened in a city somewhere in my country. It will not be something I only remembered on occasion, but it will a part of who I am. As my friend pointed out, for those of us who have been a part of this city (and me less than those who actually lived through the actual hurricane), our lives will be forever marked by "before Katrina and after Katrina".

Today is the 2 year anniversary of Katrina - I went to a noon prayer at my church. I watched friends who lived here their whole lives weep at how difficult the last two years have been - people whose homes are rebuilt - who have education and means. I looked around and saw how tired everyone in the room seemed to be. There is a weariness that comes with living here. Yesterday as I left for campus, the thought crossed my mind - I'm just so tired of this constant battle. That's what an outsider who has moved here and who loves city feels so I can only imagine those who lived through the devastation. As I've watched people's stories on the news today I've wondered, "when will this end"?

I think that most of America is tired of hearing about New Orleans - about Katrina. We're just this sad city that's spinning out of control. Major magazines have questioned if New Orleans is worth saving. I can understand the question....when you are coming from a completely scientific point of view it seems ludicrous to save this city. But science can't measure the heart. It can't calculate the stories of people who have lived here for generations - the musicians, the Mardi Gras Indians, the Krews, the families, the stories. There is something about New Orleans that gets into the very fiber of your being - it becomes not just a place to live, but a part of who you are. I say this after living here only a year. I can only imagine how those who trace their roots all the way back hundreds of years must feel.

There is weariness - and hope is very frail these days. So many have been fighting battles for so long. It seems like it will never end and everyone still wants to point fingers at who is to blame rather than take responsibility and move forward. (Today I was seriously disappointed in both Nagin - for continuing to point fingers with no real plan and with Bush - for making a PR visit with no real plan.)It's been two years - will it ever really be okay again? This city needs the gospel. The truth that Christ redeems people and places. That He will indeed make all things new. The life and the hope that believers and the true church (rather than religion) can bring.

This journey has shaped me so much because for the first time in my Christian life I understand at a deep level my great need for the gospel. I need it when I don't safe walking home at night - I need it when I already feel exhausted first thing in the morning on my way to campus. I need it when I wait in long lines and when I see the despair in the lives around me. I also need the church - the body of believers who in tangible (but not perfect) ways demonstrate the love of Christ. In American Christianity we tend to have the "me and God" attitude. Be the strong one - be the one who is in control - just "me and God", that's all I need. Living life that way is no longer an option. Just as I need the gospel, I need the church. This needy city has shown me quiet a bit about my own need and that has become my unforgettable journey of Katrina.

The Wedding Thief

2007-08-22T22:48:00.000-05:00

"Has anyone seen my purse?"

I felt like I asked that question a thousand times - each time I felt a little more panicked than the last time I had asked. In my purse were my wallet with all my credit cards, my Treo with all my contacts, and my camera. No one had seen it but everyone was sure it would turn up in the morning.

After a very full summer, I went to Northern Alabama this past weekend to celebrate the wedding of some good friends from New Orleans - Doug and Toy. It was amazing to celebrate their lives and love that night. Out of about 700 people there were probably about 70 of us from New Orleans, but you could tell that we brought the spirit of New Orleans with us - we were the first ones on the dance floor and the last ones to leave! Doug and Toy's wedding was such a beautiful picture of love and celebration but it ended with my purse being stolen. By 11:00 am the next day we had confirmed that almost $1000 had been purchased on my credit cards.

Honestly, it felt like a kick in the gut after such a long and challenging summer. We got home around 8:00pm Sunday night and I knew that I needed to be on campus first thing Monday morning to kick off the semester and tell students about having a relationship with God. How on earth was I going to do that? God met me in such a tangible way on Monday morning.

It was one of those mornings that I could barely open up the Word so I read a devotional book. Through a series of passages I ended up in Hosea 6:1-3

Come let us return to the Lord
He has torn us to pieces
Now He will heal us
He has injured us
Now He will bandage our wounds
In just a short time He will restore us,
So that we may live in His presence
Oh, that we might know the Lord!
Let us press on to know Him
He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of the dawn
or the coming of rains in early spring.

All of the verses that I had read up until this point also held the theme of brokenness and healing. I couldn't help but think of the brokenness that had touched my world over the weekend - the effects of sin that led some one to the place where they steal in the midst of a great celebration. Reading that passage made me realize how broken I have been in life - how much I need the healing hand of the Lord - and how much He longs to meet me.....that His healing is active, it is sure, it seeks me out!

As I drove to Delgado Community College, I noticed that a lot of work had been done on familiar streets. Three months earlier on the same drive I saw many abandoned homes with their overgrown lawns and leftover paint marks from the days after the hurricane...now those streets seemed neat and clean again. Delgado was teaming with students - there seemed to be more life than I'd ever experienced in the campus. At the same time, I think the events of the weekend and my time meditating on healing gave me a new perspective on what I was doing. Our mission isn't about launching movements - it's about getting to those students that are hurting - that are at the place where they feel "torn to pieces" with no hope for healing". Two students came by our table who really touched my heart. One guy's name was Steven and he stopped by when he saw we were a Christian organization. He was just back from Iraq where he had watched his whole unit die and then was shot in the back by a 9 year old kid. The pain was all over his face. Later, Jon stopped by. Jon was diagnosed with cancer earlier this summer. When that happened, he started to wonder about eternity. He wanted a safe place to explore...he's been getting sermons from Youtube.

Usually when I go on campus, I'm looking for leaders....but that day God opened my eyes to the broken.....and reminded me that we are broken - that we all need His healing. When Steven and Jon came by our table, I knew that God longed to heal them just as He has healed me in so many ways. It was a great way to start the semester!

Rain and Reflection

2007-05-04T13:22:00.000-05:00

When I was 11 or 12, I can distinctly remember one evening in the late summer at my parent's home in East Tennessee. It was one of those perfect evenings - unusual for East Tennessee in the late summer - it wasn't too hot or too humid. It was after dinner and I remember going out and sitting under a tree in the backyard. It was a significant moment of reflection for me. Twenty years later, I can still remember it like it was yesterday. It was the moment that I realized I was leaving my childhood behind, moving into a new phase of life that would be completely different, that life would never again be this simple....this sweet. As a melancholy child, I sat under the tree reflecting on that and shed a few tears. After a while I went back into the house to find my mom washing the dishes (the usual evening routine of which I was expected to be a participant). I was still deep in my thoughts and reflection when she gave me a few choice words for "sitting under a tree while the rest of us were working".

Today I'm not sitting under a tree (which is a good thing because major storms are hitting New Orleans) but I am sitting in my big black office chair by the front door watching the rain come down and reflecting on life. This ties back to that day twenty years ago. From that day, I learned that sitting and reflecting are somehow bad - that the highest value in life is work - that's what makes us significant, that's what makes us accepted. I was reading a book by Rob Bell this morning (reading a spiritual book is of course much more productive than just sitting and reflecting) and one thing he said has really shaken me up. He writes:
"I realized that my life was all about keeping the adrenaline buzz going and that I was only really happy when I was going all the time. When I stopped for a day to remember that I am loved just because I exist, I found out how much of my efforts were about earning something I already have"

That hit me like a ton of bricks. This year I have been given incredible opportunities in my job, I have been given massive amounts of praise, I have been given support from every direction but when it comes down to it, if at the end of the day my life doesn't feel full and busy, I feel like a.....well like a failure. Yikes. Does this perhaps mean that I like Robb Bell spend so much of my time just working to earn what I already have?

So here I sit on a Friday afternoon watching the rain come down (and watching my street start to flood - it may be time to move the car to higher ground, those pump systems still aren't working that great in New Orleans) wondering if I really am completely loved right now as I waste a Friday afternoon watching the rain come down. There are stacks of papers sitting on my desk that I could be going through, supporters that I could write, phone calls I could make....I could continue to fill up my day with "stuff", but maybe the most important thing really is to sit here and experience a God who loves me completely even when I'm doing nothing for him. Well, that and move my car since there is a trash can floating down my street now.......

Living in the in-between

2007-05-02T15:17:00.000-05:00

For most of the world, life doesn't revolve around semesters, conferences and summer assigments. Most of my friends get up and go to work every day this week just like they did every day last week. Not so for those of us who work in the world of college ministry. This is my 8th year working in this world. The "in-between" time is always the most difficult time of the year for me. I'd rather come home after working long hours each day to a long list of emails to return and things to check off my list than stumble through this in-between world.

Today as I was debating whether to continue to finish up a few things for my summer project or go complete some other mindless task, my friend and coworker Antonio came by to pick something up. As I opened the door he started laughing at me, "You look like me the last few days", he said, "wearing your pajamas all day and just sitting in front of the computer". It was then that I realized I must look bad because I did not actually have on my pajamas but I pretty much looked like I had just rolled out of bed. After he left, I remembered that I had some laundry to fold, so I headed back to my bedroom to discover it sitting on my unmade bed. The unmade bed reminded me that I have not taken a shower today because I always make the bed while I'm waiting for the water to warm up (it's a New Orleans old house thing). It was 1:30 in the afternoon. I gave up on being productive, shoved the cloths off the bed and settled in for a nap!

Why is it so hard to live in the in-between? I long for these times...times to have linger conversations with friends (who are all unfortunatly very busy right now). Times to sit and ponder the Word, times to spend in unhurried prayer, but when they actually come I find myself feeling useless and sleepy. I think I pack my life so full all year long so I don't have to ask the deeper questions. I don't have to wrestle with my faith, I don't have to live in the silence. Now, while everyone else is cramming for finals or hard at work at their "real world job", the silence has descended upon me. I have two choices - to find things to fill my days so I can again avoid it or seek the One longs to meet me in the in-between. To be honest, I'd much rather fill my day. Life has thrown a lot of questions at my heart lately....What are my passions? What does it mean to really experience God....to really hear His voice rather than just tell Him what He should do for me? What do the implications do the questions in my heart have on my future - what I do and how I do it? I'd so much rather run frantically from task to task than really sit and face these questions.

The in-between will not last for much longer - soon I'll be in California, my life will be full of people, full of ministry, friends and laughter. I'll talk about God a lot but I want to know that I've met God in the ways that scare me, I've met God in the in-between.

Weakness

2007-04-09T11:48:00.000-05:00

The last few weeks have left me feeling really 'blah'. I don't know if it's been the post conference funk, weariness from a long season of ministry, or just one of those times in life when you just feel down. Whatever it is, I've not been able to snap out of it. On top of it, as I've tried to spend time with the Lord, I've felt very disconnected.

Today I decided to take a morning with the Lord. To be honest, I just didn't want to get up and face another day of emails, phone calls, setting up appointments and other administrative tasks. A 'morning with the Lord' sounded like a good thing to do to avoid all of that. As I was drinking my coffee and telling the Lord how disconnected and disappointed I've been feeling, I sensed him telling me to pull out this bible study that I started in the fall on 2 Corinthians. I started this study when our community group at church started going through the book, but I never finished the last three chapters. In community group we've been discussing those chapters in the last few weeks. They haven't really been that significant to me, so I wasn't sure where this was going. Most of it is Paul talking about the authority for his apostleship. By the end I just want to say, "okay I get it, you went through some terrible stuff!" Today as I was reading through chapter 12, something really struck me.

Basically, Paul has been given this thorn in his flesh...he asks the Lord to take it away and the answer is "no" - more to the point he is told, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'. Something about that struck me today. I walk around trying to cover up and hide my weakness - I like to look like I have it all together. I fear failing, I fear that I will be a disappointment to the people I love and to God. There are things in my life that I constantly struggle with and pray that God would deliver me from. I don't think I 'm the only one. It seems like in the Christian community weakness is bad. We always talk about our strengths and our "areas to grow in" like saying the word weakness would indicate that we have some sort of fatal flaw. We show the world the good life that Christ offers while we quietly struggle in the privacy of our own lives. I think I often try to sell others a Christianity that I cannot live myself and that isn't real. Sometimes there is amazing victory over my weaknesses, but often I still struggle with the same things day after day. I find myself wondering - "does Christ really make a difference. That's why today when I read these words - "My GRACE if sufficient for you", I had to pause. I had to ask, what does this mean?

I can define grace - I learned the definition long ago when I learned to share the gospel booklet - an undeserved gift, or "God's Riches At Christ's Expense" (since we really do like acronyms so much in the christian world). I've always associated it with the gift of salvation - we get a gift we don't deserve. But now I find myself wondering - what does that mean for me today, in my weakness, in the funk and in the grossness of life and sin, what does it mean that God's grace is sufficient? Does it mean that my life isn't about being perfect and fixing my weaknesses but it's about the power of God being demonstrated through them? Does it mean that grace isn't a one-time gift but a gift I receive every moment of every day? Does it mean that I put a lot of pressure on myself to be some one for others rather then allowing God to be who he is through me? I feel like if I understood this, it would be a breakthrough for my life and ministry. I'd love to invite others to give me any thoughts and feedback on this....

Redeeming a City

2007-04-07T18:50:00.000-05:00

Today I participated in the Crescent City Classic - the most attended and most known race in New Orleans. I say participated because even though I had good intentions of running the race, after a month of visitors, spring break, regional visits and planning, I was wiped out. It was all I could do to walk the 6 miles.

Lately I've been feeling the New Orleans "funk". It's this feeling you get when you've not had a break from the city for weeks on end. No matter how much you love this city, it's still a hurricane devastated old city and you need a break every once in a while. My last exodus from the city was in February. March was a full month and an exciting month but at the end of it I felt worn out and very down. It was funny how participating in a race reminded me of how much I have grown to love this city.

The race started down in the French Quarter. Twenty thousand people lined up to run and walk. Many people were in costume (of course they were, it's New Orleans). I ended up doing the race with my friend Melanie. It was fun to walk through some of the beautiful neighborhoods of New Orleans and talk about life and the gospel.

I've watched this crazy phenomenon in New Orleans. American Christianity was divided right after the storm - some believed that God was judging the city and some believed that God was going to open the door to missionaries who would "save" the city. I was in the second camp, but now I even realize how self-righteous and self-focused that attitude was. By God's grace, I've fallen in the love with this city. I no longer want to "save" it, I want to be a part of the redemptive thread that God is weaving in the city of New Orleans. All around me there is pain and suffering. I am no longer an outsider to that. I am sad when I see the pain of my neighbors (not the neighbors who necessarily live on my block, but the neighbors as Jesus described them). I am convicted at my lack of action, my commitment to my own comfort rather than to serving those around me. I am in love with the city - I walk down the street and I am thankful I live here. I love the history, I love the culture of celebration, I love the people and the food (well, not the crawfish). I love that I see the good in this city along with the bad. It's interesting to see what God is doing in this city - it seems that he's bringing a new kind of missionary to the city....not some one who is here to change the culture, but to embrace all that Christ would embrace in the culture and be a light to the city through loving the city.

I don't know what I used to think about New Orleans.....probably that it was a hopeless city, a place that God didn't really care much about. I must say, living in New Orleans has given me a greater picture of the celebration that awaits us in heaven. I cannot help but believe that God is crazy about this city - that he desires to redeem it! I really believe that God is using the devastation of Katrina in a way that most of Christianity never dreamed would be possible. All around me, I meet Christians who have moved to New Orleans and have fallen in love with this city - they love the being part of the culture, the life and the pain of the city. It seems that God has put his heart in their hearts! We're not here to "save" a city, we're here to live the gospel.

It seems like in Christianity we sometimes focus so much on 'getting saved' and living for heaven that we miss the in between. I am thankful to be brought to a place where I daily see the tension of reality and hope. I believe that living in New Orleans has taught me more about the heart of God than any place I've ever lived. New Orleans is changing and shaping me more than I am changing and shaping it.

Friends who Challenge Me!

2007-03-26T21:22:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I went down to Mexico City to visit our brand new partnership. I met my friend Craig several years ago at a conference in Beverly Hills. I remember being kind of upset that I got stuck in the distance ministry group (it didn’t sound quiet as glamorous as the groups that were reaching the cities). We sat down at the table and this guy from Nebraska started to share. I have to confess, I didn’t even know where Nebraska was – the only images I had of Nebraska were very large football players (I watched them beat my beloved Vols in the Orange Bowl) and corn. I almost started to tune out this guy from Nebraska, until I realized that he was seeing some incredible things happen up in that corn state. From then on out, I became his groupie. I would email him asking him for advice on things and follow him around at conferences. Eventually we started to become friends. When our partnership became Mexico City, I became facebook friends with Joe Cross – the other city director. He seemed to be pretty young to be leading such a large scope and in my opinion he was too much of a fan of the word “awesome”.

On Fat Tuesday, we loaded up on a plane and headed to Mexico City. That night our team had dinner with Joe and Craig, I immediately knew I was with men who would challenge my thinking and my faith. That week ended up being an incredible week of talking about challenges, dreaming about what could be and just laughing a whole lot.

After I returned from Mexico, I realized that there are two things I really admire about both of those guys. The first thing is their faith that moves them to action. There are over 700 college campuses in Mexico City and well over a million college students, but I am convinced that Joe and Craig really believe that God can reach that city. It’s evident in the way they live, in the way they show up on campus, in the way they coach the stint team and in the way they look for creative solutions to the challenges of the city. They kept saying, “I really believe in divine appointments" or "I really believe that God is going to show up today”. It was exciting to be around such men of faith and it challenged me to take a deep look at my own life. What do I believe God for? Am I simply satisfied with the amazing things he’s done in New Orleans (and they have been amazing) or do I constantly believe him for more? Do I go on campus expecting God to show up and create divine appointments or do I just go about my day, doing the things I need to do? Am I just sitting around solving organizational problems, or am I engaged in the mission of reaching every student? Even though I love new things and new challenges, I think I get stuck in this attitude that says, “well, it’s March, we don’t try to start ministry in March, we just sustain what we have.” I have a feeling that Craig and Joe will be walking on campus believing God to do something until the day they leave Mexico City.

The second thing that I admire about these guys is that their lives seem to be defined by what they give, not by what they get. I wasn’t around Joe as much, but from the stories I heard him tell, he is a giver. I was really impressed with Craig. On the last day we were in Mexico City, we went to visit him at his apartment. His neighbors were out in the street talking to him. They invited us into their home. It was obvious that this was a place where Craig was loved. I watched as he engaged with the family, as he cared for the sick grandmother and as he laughed hysterically at their banter. Later in the day we had to drop back by his apartment to pick something up. The neighborhood kids immediately surrounded his car. He didn’t just rush into his place to grab what he needed. He listened, he cared for them and they couldn’t get enough of him. I remember sitting in the car thinking, “he’s making an impact on the lives of these kids”. Again, this challenged me. Who do I make an impact on outside of my “ministry” to college students? I think I look at people based on what they can do for me, how they can be “used” to advance God’s kingdom. Wow, even when I write it down I realize how ugly that seems and how far from the heart of God I’ve strayed.

Last week I was spending some time processing through some of the things that I’m currently dissatisfied with in ministry. I could probably feel this with any ministry I would work with – sometimes it feels like all I do is solve problems and come up with plans (which ironically create more problems). I was asking Craig some questions via email and just throw
ing my thoughts out there – I think I ended one of my emails saying, “I’m just ready to leave it all” or something like that. His immediate response was “Don’t leave….let’s go reach the world”. I couldn’t stop thinking about that. There’s something in the way he lives and ministers that really makes me think we can really do it, we can really reach the world. I want to live more like that. I want my job to not just be about ministry, but life to be about giving because God has given me so much to give. He gave me his son and he put his spirit within me to live his life through me. How can I give him any less than all of me?

I’m thankful for the people who God puts into my life to challenge me. (Even the ones from the corn state and the ones who really like the word awesome). These men are only two in a long list of people that God has used to sharpen me. If I were only around people like me, I know I would be satisfied with a small, self-centered life. My friends challenge me to embrace all God has for me.

2007-03-24T18:38:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a really incredible experience. We had a student leader's crawfish boil - the crawfish part was not the incredible experience, personally I thought that was a little creepy but all of my Louisiana friends seem to think it's the thing to do! After all of the little critters were consumed, we spent some time talking about the fall semester and then in prayer. My friend Truman led the prayer time. Truman has really been learning a lot about listening to God in prayer, so he led us through a time where we listened. I have to admit, I felt uncomfortable. It wasn't the awkward pauses or the occasional sniffle that made me feel uncomfortable, it was my own fear - I really want to hear God in prayer, but what if he doesn't show up? What if I can't hear his voice or he doesn't have anything to say to me? All of those thoughts were swirling around in my head every time I paused to listen. I did feel like the Lord was saying a few things to me - one thing in particular when Truman asked us to ask God to bring to mind a friend and then to pray for them. I was really convicted of a relationship in my life that is not as it should be right now....but I kept thinking, is this just from me or is it from the Lord? I went back and forth, asking that question until we had our sharing time....

One of our students, Willy, shared that the person God put on his heart was his brother....with deep emotion he told that he's scarred to share with his brother, scarred of the rejection he may face. It was very touching. As soon as he finished sharing another girl excitedly burst out, "the person that God on my heart was Willy! I didn't know why but now it makes sense!". So we started to pray for Willy and his brother. This gal opened us in prayer. One of the things she prayed was, "Lord, open the eyes of his heart". Well then Truman prayed and he revealed that in his time of listening God had impressed him with the song "Open the eyes of my heart". It was an amazing experience! God was doing something in our group to show Willy that he was taking care of him, loving his brother more than any of us ever could. It was a divine moment.

I immediately left went home to contact the friend who I needed to make things right with - delayed obedience is disobedience - that was Truman's closing line.

I've been thinking about last night all day....about how God is orchestrating all of our lives. About how he connects us in a community - he does things that causes us to be in each other's lives - our prayers were intertwined last night not because of what we were saying, but because of what we were hearing from the Lord. I need to be a better listener, it's my pride, my fear, my business and my selfishness that keep me from listening. It's my lack of willingness to radically obey, to step out in faith even when things don't make sense. My great desire is that I really would make space in my life for the divine. That really would invite him into every moment of every day believing that he will show up, that he has something greater for me than the life I try to so desperately to control.

In the 8 years that I've worked for this organization, I've never had a time of prayer where we listened to God. Don't get me wrong, I know that the men and women in our organization love God and really seek him. Lately it feels like all we do is try to solve problems and we're not succeeding. The time of prayer made me begin to wonder, "do we just start at the wrong place?" We are a competent group of people, we can "do" ministry - we have great stradegies, but are these stradegies going to be enough? I don't think so. I wonder what would happen if we paused to listen to God - to really find out where he is leading us. I have to first look to my own ministry in this. I spend a lot of time telling God what I would like to see happen - giving him my definition of success. I wonder if he has something greater for me and I miss it because I'm not listening. To see how clearly he was at work in 40 minutes in our time of listening to him, makes me wonder what my ministry would look like day to day if I took that time. I really believe I might start to see those things that only God can do happen here in New Orleans. I want that! I want all that God has for us as a ministry.

2007-03-21T22:08:00.000-05:00

I just got home from saying goodbye to one of our relief interns. He is in the reserves and his unit was called up to Iraq. We stuffed ourselves with great Chinese food and a suprisingly good cake decorated with a flag from Winn-Dixie. It was a time to honor and pray for Mike. I've really enjoyed having Mike in New Orleans, there are neat things I see in his life, in his response to going to war and in his character that I admire. He's a great guy but I didn't have any deep, bonding moments with Mike this past year. Yet still as I sat on the floor in the living room of the house and prayed for him, I couldn't help but weep. Here's another young man whose life will be touched by the ugliness of war. I said my goodbye and walked out the door of their house thinking "this is not the way life should be". As I turned the corner, I saw the paint on the house - a visual reminder of the water line that was at least 6 feet high after Katrina. I looked around a neighborhood that was obviously struggling - with piles of trash in the street and kids who were dealing drugs huddled on their porches. I started thinking about a conversation that our team had earlier that day. Chip, from our national team, was talking about the Kingdom of God. Jesus said, "the Kingdom of God is at hand". He ushered in the Kingdom, but we still don't live in the fulness of the Kingdom - that will only happen someday when Christ comes again. To think that the Kingdom of God is now and is also not yet is such a difficult tension.

Earlier today I was on the Riverwalk. I was listening to my ipod and looking out over the Mississippi as the sun was shining, the wind was gently blowing and the trees were blooming all around me. I remember thinking, "this is such a beautiful world - it's so easy to see God alive and active in this world. It's so easy to know he loves me and loves this city at this moment". How can I feel such hope at 9 in the morning and then just 12 hours later experience such despair - such a sense of the world being so broken....so empty and so seemingly without God.

So today, I am struggling with what it means to live in the Kingdom. To live in the 'now but not yet' of being a follower of Christ. What will it mean for Mike to experience the Kingdom of God in Iraq but also experience the horror of war? What will it mean for me to experience the Kingdom of God in this city that I have grown to love but to not ignore it's ugliness and brokenness? An even bigger question for me is probably, what will it mean for me to actively be a part of bringing the Kingdom of God to the world around me? Not in ways that are neat or ways that I can control, but in ways that I know the presence of God has indeed shown up?

Four Years Later

2007-03-19T13:54:00.000-05:00

The war in Iraq has been going on for four years today. The other day when I was cleaning up my house, I found a picture that I’ve kept in my bible for the last year. It’s a picture of my little brother the day he left for war. He’s standing in his backyard in his uniform…he looks very serious and soldierly. He also still looks a lot like that kid I grew up with. He was gone for almost exactly one year. He joined the army because he loves our country, loves the honor of serving the country and the hands-on experience that the military offers. He enlisted post September 11th, when the world for us went from being mostly a safe place to a place of threats of terror, long lines at the airport and color-coded security levels. (I still have no idea what those colors mean).

The US went to war with Iraq several months after he enlisted, so we knew the day would come when he would go to war. From November of 2005 to November of 2006, the war was no longer a distant battle that didn’t really effect my day to day life. Every report of a soldier dying or being hurt left a question in my mind…”is it him?” I often wondered if it would be my brother who would come home in a coffin, with an American flag proudly draped over it to show the sacrifice he had made. I wept for the families who did lose loved ones. It was no longer a news story, it touched my life. In May of 2006, a man under Dave’s command died from a roadside bomb. He still wears a black band around his wrist as a sign of rememberence. That was his first friend that he watched die. In October, 2 men died in a armored car while talking on the radio with him. Just a few weeks before they came home, he lost his first sergeant (and roommate) and his driver to another deadly roadside bomb. The war changed him. It’s subtle…not the crazy, ranting guy like the ones often portrayed in movies from the Vietnam War era, but it changed him from that boy to a man. (He wasn’t really a “boy” when he left, he was 25 – I remember my sister-in-law commenting on how so many of the guys who said goodbye that day looked like babies, they were 18 and 19 year-olds – headed to war). There is a hardness in him, a part of him that I think was lost on the battlefields of Iraq.

He’s always been my little brother (he’s 5 years younger) and I’ve always wanted to protect him from the pain of life. The pain he must face now is something I cannot understand and cannot fix. It is a part of who he is; it will shape the rest of his life. Everything in me desperately wants to wipe away the past year, to bring back his friends, to take him back to a place where life still really is going to work out. The truth is, our pain is often the thing that shapes us the most. In my life that has been true. In the greatest moments of pain, my great need for God has been revealed. In my deepest disappointments, I’ve realized that the world really is not the way it should be, that I can’t make life work and that I desperately need a Savior to enter into my pain. It’s been the pain that’s brought me the closest to really knowing my God. The truth is, I draw nearer to him in the times of pain than I do in the times of goodness. So the question becomes, “why do I work so hard to shield those I love from the pain?” Do I not believe that God will meet them there? Then I have to ask myself, “why do I work so hard to shelter myself from the pain?” Do I not believe that God will meet me there again? That he has a purpose in my life that is greater than the pain. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that we go around looking for the bad in the world or making stupid decisions that will put us in painful situations, but I do believe that I sometimes want to protect myself so much that I don’t take risks. I don’t let people into my heart because I’m not sure I can handle being hurt again. I don’t reach out because I fear that I’ll be rejected. I don’t move toward people because it can be messy. Living by faith means that I have to believe God is in every situation – in every bloody battle and every happy day. Living by faith means growing up, entering the fight and believing God to meet me there no matter what the outcome is!

Making Room for the Divine....

2007-03-18T13:47:00.001-05:00

At its very heart, Christianity is therefore a messianic movement and it seeks to consistently embody the life, spirituality, and mission of its Founder. We have made it so many other things, but this is its utter simplicity. Discipleship, becoming like Jesus our Lord and Founder, lies at the epicenter of the church’s task. It means that Christology must define all that we do and say. It also means that in order to recover the ethos of authentic Christianity, we need to refocus our attention back to the Root of all it all, to recalibrate our work and our organizations around the person and work of Jesus our Lord. This will mean taking the Gospels seriously as the primary texts that define us. It will mean acting like Jesus in relation to people outside the faith…

This chapter in “The Forgotten Ways” by Alan Hirsch has really challenged me. What would my life look like if Jesus were really Lord of all of it…if I didn’t have a compartment that was “spiritual” and a compartment that was “the rest of life”…if there was no line between the sacred and the secular? To the ancient people, the people who God chose to reveal himself to, there was no separation. But here, living in America in 2007, I have a hard time imaging what it would look like for life to not be segmented. I am so used to the part of my life that’s really mine and the part of my life that belongs to God. Now of course I would say, Jesus is Lord of my life. I don’t just think about him on Sunday morning or from 9-5 during my missionary work day….but does my life reflect Jesus is Lord when I’m on hold with a certain company that keeps messing up my internet service for 30 minutes? Does my life reflect Jesus is Lord when my sweet neighbor wants to chat but that’s cutting into my workout time? Does my life reflect Jesus is Lord when I turn on the TV night after night to be entertained? Does my life reflect that Jesus is Lord at the grocery store, in the car; in the way I love people? There are times during the day that I really seek to embody the life, spirituality and mission of the Founder of my faith, but most of the day I consider mine, I plan my tasks, I do what I need to do, and I occasionally throw up a prayer for Jesus to show up or to open my eyes to what is really happening. How much do I miss because my life is centered around me and not on him?

Last week my friend Dawn and I went out to eat. Dawn loves to talk to people whereas I’m usually not a chatty person with people I don’t know. While we were ordering, Dawn started to strike up a conversation with our waitress. Again, I usually just order and go on with things…but Dawn asked her what her name was, asked her opinion on different menu items and was overall just friendly to her. When our food arrived, Dawn asked Mercedes (our waitress) if there was anything we could pray for her. Mercedes looked very surprised (I can imagine that doesn’t happen often in New Orleans) and said, “You can pray for my Road Home money and my rebuilding”. (The Road Home is the city of New Orleans very SLOW recovery effort). She then started to tell us that just she and her husband had been working on their home for months and were ready to gut it. Well, with Campus Crusade we just happen to have hundreds of college students descending on the city of New Orleans in the month of March to gut homes and serve the community. I immediately asked Mercedes if she needed help. She gave me her phone number and was so thankful! The next day, a team of 20 students worked into the evening to gut Mercedes home. God had a divine appointment planed for us during that dinner! Later I started to wonder, would I have missed that opportunity if Dawn weren’t there? Going out to dinner for me is about my time to catch up with a friend, to maybe encourage that person and hopefully leave feeling a deep connection and fulfillment in my life. I rarely think about the person serving me unless they do a bad job – then I grumble. But if my mission really is to represent my Lord in every part of my life, the sacred and the secular, then the way I sit at a restaurant should be different…not only that, but I should expect divine appointments to happen every day. All weekend I’ve been thinking, God must want to use my life in so many more ways, but they are outside of my compartments, so I miss it.

Finally, today this has led me to really start to consider the culture of my organization. We are a feedback rich environment, which I like. The feedback that I’ve been given in my life has opened my eyes to some blind spots and it has helped me grow as a person and as a leader. On the other hand, our feedback tends to be very “us” focused. It’s about how we are doing as leaders, it’s about how we are doing in developing a team, it’s about how we can balance all the roles and best use the strategies within our ministry. None of these things are things that I think are bad within themselves, but I’m becoming more and more convinced that they are feeding into this idea that life is about our roles rather than about our faith. I talk to friends who work with me all the time who say “I’m just trying to make my life more normal”…I wonder, is life normal for some one who is fully devoted to following Christ? It doesn’t seem like it should be. Normal life for those around us is focused on what makes me happy, what brings me comfort, security and stability. But when I read the Bible, Jesus is challenging us to live a life that offers none of those things. It means being unconvinced to love some one who bugs me. It means moving toward people even when I’m tired, or when I “need” some alone time. It means forgiving those who hurt me even if they never change. It means that my rights are gone and life isn’t about me. So, I recognize that my deepest problem is my own lack of faith, my own compartmentalization of the gospel, but I also see another problem…the culture of the organization that I work with that seems to promote life being about my development and using the best strategy to get the job done. I love this organization – it’s the vehicle God used to change my life. I’m just beginning to wonder if we’re playing too safe, trying to have too much of a normal life, a life that Christ never called his followers to live.

Hanging Back

2007-03-15T15:20:00.000-05:00

For maybe the tenth time, I’m trying to make it through a year with my one-year Bible (well, not really a year because I just started in March….I figured I’ve made it through January and February enough times that I could just skip them this year). A few days ago I read the story of the Israelites standing at the edge of the promised land for the second time (the first time they stood in this very place, their fear cost them 40 years in the wilderness and the death of a generation). What really surprised me as I read this story was that the Ruebenites and Gadites asked for the land “east” of the Jordan rather than crossing and living in the land to the west. They promised to go to the land and fight if they could first build cities to leave behind their wives, children and livestock. Stay on the east of the Jordan? After 40 years of wandering in the wilderness to cross this river into the promised land?! At first this appalled me! Granted, the land to the east of the Jordan sounds pretty good – it’s lush, good for crops, beautiful – all in all, it’s a good place to settle……but there’s something better out there, something yet to be seen – the promised land, the very land that God sent Abraham to and promised to give this nation. Why on earth would they stay on the east of the Jordan.

As I drinking my coffee and contemplating this very thought, I started to realize how much I like to settle “east” of the Jordan in my own life. I really believe that God created me for a great adventure….that he has a life for me that is far beyond what I can ever dream of, and far beyond what I can in my own power live or experience…..but the truth is, I like my comfortable world – the world that I can understand, that I can build my city on, that I might be able to venture out of into the battle but without the risk. I can come back home – I can come back to the known, I don’t have to risk losing everything by packing it all up and crossing the Jordan. Ouch! I hate that I live the safe life. I wonder what keeps me here. Is it my fear that God really won’t take care of me if I step out? Is it my control issues – at least if I percieve I'm in control, I can manage my life and dabble in faith? What would it look like if I packed it all up and crossed the Jordan? If I chose to live my life in a way that showed that there was no back up plan, no safety net – only the Lord, how would my life look different? I don’t think I would be as selfish – as worried about my comfort or my happiness. I think my ministry would be characterized more by radical steps of faith rather than doing the things that seem to “work”. I think my relationships would be deeper, more real because I wouldn’t be so worried about how I’m perceived or who loves me. I don’t think my life would be so much about me and my needs.

That’s the life I long for, that I’d love to live….but I’m not sure how. So I find myself, standing on the edge of this Jordan – I feel like I’m gazing into the promised land, but I’m not quite sure how to get there. It seems easier to build my little city here and occasionally run into battle than move in and live in the unknown….but everything in me longs for this adventure……